Too close for comfort...

Anne's first birthday is Wednesday. It is just about impossible for me to believe. Over the past few days, so many emotions from when she was born hit me. The tough delivery, her three days in the Special Care Nursery. I remember all too well not having her room in with me after she was born, the long walks down a never ending hallway to visit her every two hours, seeing her with iv's and oxygen. It seems like yesterday.

And everyone says, 'at least she is here and healthy'. Kind of like I shouldn't feel the way I do. There is such a big part of me not looking forward to her birthday, just because of that. And I should feel blessed that she is perfectly, perfectly healthy and beautiful, but I've so struggled with her delivery and start to life all of these months. The joys of being a mother.

This morning, Dan changed her into this adorable two piece outfit. She looked like a toddler. So much older than she had to me just a few days ago. I changed her into a cute one peice outfit from Carter's. Dan said, "You know you can't keep her a baby forever". But god, I wish I could.

There's just something about Anne that pulls at my heart. I'm not sure if it's the way she snuggles with me, the way she slowly will walk over to me with her arms up saying, "Mama", or the way she drags her blankie around with her, or the fact that she was my baby that nursed the longest, the baby that would let me hold her all day long. Soon enough, these will all be memories for her baby book, and I will look back years from now and say, "Yes, you were just that sweet".

Right now, it's the way she waves bye-bye and blows kisses. And I wish she'd smell like a baby forever. I'm convinced that is what heaven smells like. A piece of heaven, all to myself.

I haven't even begun to get ready for her special day. Dan is right, I can't ignore it for too much longer. On 10/8 at 15:04pm, Anne will offically be one year of age.

"The days are long, but the years are short".

That is just so true.